2008. Thought it was going to be the worst year of my life. I went from break up, shitty bestfriend going behind my back, doing things just to hurt me, then eventually ditched me and made half the school hate me while doing so. Then I almost lost another friend, my real bestfriend, but he decided to come back. Then from there, it was the happiest time of my life. Then come november, well, things went downhill. That guy who was my bestfriend, well he was my boyfriend too. And I was absolutely in love with him (and still am...:/) and he started acting weird. A complete and total jackass actually. For a month and a half. On Christmas, I didn't even get one text from him. I had to text him, because it was too much of a hassel for him to send me one. And then he fucking lied to me, I'm not even going to get into that. And I put up with it. Why? Because....I love him, and with all the fucking bullshit that's he's done to the one person who cares about him more than any of his friends or his girlfriend (don't even talk to me about that) do, I know I shoulden't. But I do. I'm forgiving. And the only reason I am... I love him. And nothing in the world is ever going to change that.
I regret not listening to Sasha though...and everyone else actually. It's like you guys are all psychic. You all warned me about getting my heart broken, and tried to protect me from it. But I was being me, and didn't listen. But I was going to get hurt either way. And now, I'm left alone, sick, and fighting anxiety every day. I'm a fucking idiot. You guys....(Brittney, Tara, Amanda, Mike, and especially you Sasha..) I know me not listening to you guys showed you that I didn't care, but that's not the truth. I didn't listen because I thought he would come around, but bottom line, he didn't, and you guys did. I'm so sorry.
Recently, I went to my grandmothers. I walked in, looking like I was dead, threw myself on the couch and just sat there, staring at the black screen on the tv that wasn't on. My grandmother came over, looked at me and asked what was wrong, and I started to tear up. She hugged me and held on to me and I immediately broke down. Completely. Then my mom walked in and sat on the other side of me, having no idea what was wrong with me. After my grandmother let me go, I tried to stop crying to talk, and my mom hugged me and held my head like she did when I went through both divorces, telling me it was okay to cry and to let it out. So what do I do? Cry, again. I eventually stopped, and they sat there looking distressed and concerned. I sat there listening to my grandmother rambel on about how she can't believe her grandaughters depressed again. They contemplated whether or not I should go see some one, and I said I woulden't, but I was willing to go to the hospital and get tests done like they also wanted to do. I must say though, if I had not seen my grandmother and heard what she told me, I would not be here writing this.
I've been going through so many emotions. Going from depressed to jeleous, to depressed, to mad, etc. The things I thought were funny (which was pretty much everything) aren't funny anymore. The music I always used to listen to I can't bare to hear anymore. I haven't really ate in three days. I can feel that I'm starving, but I can't get anything down because my body sends me that feeling you get when you're full even though there's nothing in my stomach. And also, because of that, my body starts to tear away at my insides to get the nutrients I need to just get out of bed every morning. (Yes, I did pay attention in bio for a day or two.) I literally can't concentrate on anything. I sit on my bed for hours just thinking about my life, everyday, and the one and only thing that comes out of my mouth is "fuck." To be honest right now, I'm an empty body that breathes and blinks with a heart that somehow still manages to beat. That's it. You all know there's nothing to that.
I'm aware that when some of you read this, you're probably going to think I'm absolutely crazy, especially with that last paragraph. But you guys are my friends, you know me. You know how I think. You know what I've been through. You know that I'm trying to put my life back together and cope with a broken heart at the same time. You know I need you guys more than anything.
I argued with myself whether or not I should write this part, but I figured I might as well anyways since I'm writing everything else. Stephen....if you ever do read this, you'll finally know that it does hurt. Crying, handling with the fact that your anxiety is killing you, and trying to deal with everyone just simply giving up and leaving you behind, to suffer from a broken heart alone. It's not easy, being treated like shit and losing the love of your life AND your bestfriend. I come from a broken home, I know absolutely everything there is about giving up. But you taught me how to be strong and stick it out through tough times. You taught me how to not give up. (How you could give up...well that's beyond me.) You still don't understand how much I love you. I have a strong feeling that this won't mean fucking shit to you, but I'm still writing it. I'm still always gunna want to be with you. I'm still always gunna love you (more than just a friend....[Friend, ha. Be honest. I'm not even that to you. You never talk to me.]) If you want to be one of those people who give up and push people who care alot about them away, well go ahead. But you'll be making a mistake. I've lost one too many people in my life. I have 5 friends left, not including you. You may want to push me away, or you may come around and realize a few things. Whatever you do, I'm always going to come back to you, no matter how far you push me. I can't lose you too.
Now with all of this, I've shown myself one thing. I am myself. I am strong and weak at the same time. I'm a lover, and I never give up on love. I'm alot like both my my parents in many ways, but I'm also a completely different person from them too. Sure I've inherited some things from them. Mainly my bad traits. But most of the person I am today did not come from them. I created myself. I've grown up. I'll be 17 in exactly four months, but age is just a number. I'm fun, but not immature. I will always be a kid at heart, but I've become more and more mature. A little too much for now I think. I'm slowly starting to believe the things my grandmother has said about me. Maybe I will be something great some day. Maybe I won't. But I know one thing; I will be something. I've learned that single most important thing in life is to keep the people you care about close to you. Without them, you're lost.
