Heartbreak #1: I know if I was standing outside your window, I would see exactly what I epxtected; someone who gives up, who has no problem treating someone like shit. You wouldn't come out to see me, because you would be too busy with your new girlfriend.
Heartbreak #2: I don't really mind listening to you yell and breakdown on me, it's the crying I cant stand. Every night I wonder what I could do to make it better for you, but in the end, you're just broken.
Dear Hearbreak #1,
I love you. Unconditionally. I really do. But I don't know if it's worth any of this. In fact, I know it's not. I pretend it doesn't bother me, then I shout that it does. I try to forgive, but I end up with more hate in me than before. You've made me lose myself, trembling, trying to get myself back. I should hate you for eternity for what you did, but I don't. There is some hate though, and that's normal. I've learned to let go though. The one thing you need to understand is that I never fully can though. It's not that I want to hold on, because I don't. I have almost no trust in you now. It's the whole "you can't control who you love thing." My heart chose to love you, and for some odd reason it still does, and I have absolutely no control over that. There will always be a part of me who loves you and wants to be with you, but I've learned to live with that. I do still want to be friends, I really do. I'll be bitter for a while, but oh well. You know you have to deal with that, that's a consequence that comes with lying and breaking someones heart. I hope you accept everything, and will still be my friend. (Not someone who you text once a week asking for them to do a favor or just saying what's up and stop talking), because if you can't, this was all for fucking nothing, and that's when I'll start regretting it.
Dear Heartbreak #2,
I see so much of myself in you. And that scares me a little. This game we got cheated into, life, we have wasted it. We take advantage of everything given to us for love. But we don't care. I know nothing I do will ever make you smile. Heartbreak has taught you well, as it has me. Whenever we have those small moments of acceptance and happiness, we trade them in for misery. We go in circles. This part of the story is something we've always known; acting. We're good at it. When we sleep, we're not really dreaming. Just thinking that the next morning will start with the others unhappiness. I'm so sorry that I don't love you. I almost wish I did, so you could be happy. But I wouldn't be being true to myself or you, and unlike people in our past, I actually want to be someone who is honest. I don't know how many times I can reassure you that I will always be here for you, even if it is just as friends. Nothing will tear us apart, unless you decide to leave like everyone else. The one thing I ask you to remember is that I never said never.
I find it really hard to admit to my emotions.
I also find it really hard to be rational with them.
I'm trying to deal with them, bare with me.
