Gain The World & Lose Yourself

2009-02-24T14:52:00.001-05:00

Breathe you out, breathe you in.
You keep coming back to tell me you’re the one who could’ve been.
In my eyes, see it oh so clear.
It was long ago and far away but it never disappears.
I try to put it in the past ,hold onto myself and don’t look back.
I don’t wanna dream about.
All the things that never were.
And maybe I can live without.
When I’m out from under, I don’t wanna feel the pain.
What good would it do me now?
I’ll get it all figured out.
When I’m out from under.
So let me go...
Just let me fly away...
Let me feel the space between us growing deeper and much darker everyday.
Watch me now and I’ll be someone new.
My heart will be unbroken, it will open up for everyone but you.
Even when I cross the line, it’s like a lie I’ve told a thousand times.
I don’t wanna dream about.
All the things that never were.
And maybe I can live without.
When I’m out from under,I don’t wanna feel the pain.
What good would it do me now?
I’ll get it all figured out.
When I’m out from under.
And part of me still believes when you say you’re gonna stick around.
And part of me still believes we can find a way to work it out.
But I know that we tried everything we could try...So let’s just say goodbye...
I don’t wanna dream about.
All the things that never were.
Maybe I can live without.
When I’m out from under, and I don’t wanna feel the pain.
What good would it do me now?
I’ll get it all figured out.
When I’m out from under.

Dear Heartbreak, I'm stronger than we thought.

2009-02-08T17:56:00.005-05:00

Heartbreak #1: I know if I was standing outside your window, I would see exactly what I epxtected; someone who gives up, who has no problem treating someone like shit. You wouldn't come out to see me, because you would be too busy with your new girlfriend.

Heartbreak #2: I don't really mind listening to you yell and breakdown on me, it's the crying I cant stand. Every night I wonder what I could do to make it better for you, but in the end, you're just broken.

Dear Hearbreak #1,
I love you. Unconditionally. I really do. But I don't know if it's worth any of this. In fact, I know it's not. I pretend it doesn't bother me, then I shout that it does. I try to forgive, but I end up with more hate in me than before. You've made me lose myself, trembling, trying to get myself back. I should hate you for eternity for what you did, but I don't. There is some hate though, and that's normal. I've learned to let go though. The one thing you need to understand is that I never fully can though. It's not that I want to hold on, because I don't. I have almost no trust in you now. It's the whole "you can't control who you love thing." My heart chose to love you, and for some odd reason it still does, and I have absolutely no control over that. There will always be a part of me who loves you and wants to be with you, but I've learned to live with that. I do still want to be friends, I really do. I'll be bitter for a while, but oh well. You know you have to deal with that, that's a consequence that comes with lying and breaking someones heart. I hope you accept everything, and will still be my friend. (Not someone who you text once a week asking for them to do a favor or just saying what's up and stop talking), because if you can't, this was all for fucking nothing, and that's when I'll start regretting it.

Dear Heartbreak #2,
I see so much of myself in you. And that scares me a little. This game we got cheated into, life, we have wasted it. We take advantage of everything given to us for love. But we don't care. I know nothing I do will ever make you smile. Heartbreak has taught you well, as it has me. Whenever we have those small moments of acceptance and happiness, we trade them in for misery. We go in circles. This part of the story is something we've always known; acting. We're good at it. When we sleep, we're not really dreaming. Just thinking that the next morning will start with the others unhappiness. I'm so sorry that I don't love you. I almost wish I did, so you could be happy. But I wouldn't be being true to myself or you, and unlike people in our past, I actually want to be someone who is honest. I don't know how many times I can reassure you that I will always be here for you, even if it is just as friends. Nothing will tear us apart, unless you decide to leave like everyone else. The one thing I ask you to remember is that I never said never.

I find it really hard to admit to my emotions.
I also find it really hard to be rational with them.
I'm trying to deal with them, bare with me.

Break. Down.

2009-02-01T19:14:00.002-05:00

Why are you doing this?
Why are you wasting your time?
You're fighting your insecurities and bad traits that have been handed down from generation to generation.

Embrace your chance for a brand new start.
A new chapter in your life.

I've been through this one minute too many.
I'm not going to give up. I'm not going to let this bring me down any longer.
It's not worth it. You're not worth it. You never were, and never will be.
I'm so done with all of this.

Lost and insecure, you found me.

2009-01-30T15:02:00.003-05:00

"Butterflies only comes from those who matter and love is gold, maybe you matter, maybe you are pure gold."
Have you ever heard that? I haven't till today.
It's kinda ironic ...if you only knew lol.

Do you remember back in elementary school when you couldn't keep your eyes off that one guy?And you would hope every day during recess that he would come up to you. And it didn't matter what he would do or say, just as long as you caught his attention, it ment the world to you.

The nervousness and butterflies and excitement I get before seeing you is the best feeling in the world. I love driving around for hours listening to you sing to me. The way I always catch you looking at me haha that's the best cause you don't know what to do but say "uhh" and smile.

You're amazing, you know that?
I'm suffering from a broken heart, and you're helping me put the pieces back together. I know I haven't been giving you my all, and I apologize for that. Bare with me sweetie.

Progression.

2009-01-09T20:06:00.007-05:00

2008. Thought it was going to be the worst year of my life. I went from break up, shitty bestfriend going behind my back, doing things just to hurt me, then eventually ditched me and made half the school hate me while doing so. Then I almost lost another friend, my real bestfriend, but he decided to come back. Then from there, it was the happiest time of my life. Then come november, well, things went downhill. That guy who was my bestfriend, well he was my boyfriend too. And I was absolutely in love with him (and still am...:/) and he started acting weird. A complete and total jackass actually. For a month and a half. On Christmas, I didn't even get one text from him. I had to text him, because it was too much of a hassel for him to send me one. And then he fucking lied to me, I'm not even going to get into that. And I put up with it. Why? Because....I love him, and with all the fucking bullshit that's he's done to the one person who cares about him more than any of his friends or his girlfriend (don't even talk to me about that) do, I know I shoulden't. But I do. I'm forgiving. And the only reason I am... I love him. And nothing in the world is ever going to change that.

I regret not listening to Sasha though...and everyone else actually. It's like you guys are all psychic. You all warned me about getting my heart broken, and tried to protect me from it. But I was being me, and didn't listen. But I was going to get hurt either way. And now, I'm left alone, sick, and fighting anxiety every day. I'm a fucking idiot. You guys....(Brittney, Tara, Amanda, Mike, and especially you Sasha..) I know me not listening to you guys showed you that I didn't care, but that's not the truth. I didn't listen because I thought he would come around, but bottom line, he didn't, and you guys did. I'm so sorry.

Recently, I went to my grandmothers. I walked in, looking like I was dead, threw myself on the couch and just sat there, staring at the black screen on the tv that wasn't on. My grandmother came over, looked at me and asked what was wrong, and I started to tear up. She hugged me and held on to me and I immediately broke down. Completely. Then my mom walked in and sat on the other side of me, having no idea what was wrong with me. After my grandmother let me go, I tried to stop crying to talk, and my mom hugged me and held my head like she did when I went through both divorces, telling me it was okay to cry and to let it out. So what do I do? Cry, again. I eventually stopped, and they sat there looking distressed and concerned. I sat there listening to my grandmother rambel on about how she can't believe her grandaughters depressed again. They contemplated whether or not I should go see some one, and I said I woulden't, but I was willing to go to the hospital and get tests done like they also wanted to do. I must say though, if I had not seen my grandmother and heard what she told me, I would not be here writing this.

I've been going through so many emotions. Going from depressed to jeleous, to depressed, to mad, etc. The things I thought were funny (which was pretty much everything) aren't funny anymore. The music I always used to listen to I can't bare to hear anymore. I haven't really ate in three days. I can feel that I'm starving, but I can't get anything down because my body sends me that feeling you get when you're full even though there's nothing in my stomach. And also, because of that, my body starts to tear away at my insides to get the nutrients I need to just get out of bed every morning. (Yes, I did pay attention in bio for a day or two.) I literally can't concentrate on anything. I sit on my bed for hours just thinking about my life, everyday, and the one and only thing that comes out of my mouth is "fuck." To be honest right now, I'm an empty body that breathes and blinks with a heart that somehow still manages to beat. That's it. You all know there's nothing to that.

I'm aware that when some of you read this, you're probably going to think I'm absolutely crazy, especially with that last paragraph. But you guys are my friends, you know me. You know how I think. You know what I've been through. You know that I'm trying to put my life back together and cope with a broken heart at the same time. You know I need you guys more than anything.

I argued with myself whether or not I should write this part, but I figured I might as well anyways since I'm writing everything else. Stephen....if you ever do read this, you'll finally know that it does hurt. Crying, handling with the fact that your anxiety is killing you, and trying to deal with everyone just simply giving up and leaving you behind, to suffer from a broken heart alone. It's not easy, being treated like shit and losing the love of your life AND your bestfriend. I come from a broken home, I know absolutely everything there is about giving up. But you taught me how to be strong and stick it out through tough times. You taught me how to not give up. (How you could give up...well that's beyond me.) You still don't understand how much I love you. I have a strong feeling that this won't mean fucking shit to you, but I'm still writing it. I'm still always gunna want to be with you. I'm still always gunna love you (more than just a friend....[Friend, ha. Be honest. I'm not even that to you. You never talk to me.]) If you want to be one of those people who give up and push people who care alot about them away, well go ahead. But you'll be making a mistake. I've lost one too many people in my life. I have 5 friends left, not including you. You may want to push me away, or you may come around and realize a few things. Whatever you do, I'm always going to come back to you, no matter how far you push me. I can't lose you too.

Now with all of this, I've shown myself one thing. I am myself. I am strong and weak at the same time. I'm a lover, and I never give up on love. I'm alot like both my my parents in many ways, but I'm also a completely different person from them too. Sure I've inherited some things from them. Mainly my bad traits. But most of the person I am today did not come from them. I created myself. I've grown up. I'll be 17 in exactly four months, but age is just a number. I'm fun, but not immature. I will always be a kid at heart, but I've become more and more mature. A little too much for now I think. I'm slowly starting to believe the things my grandmother has said about me. Maybe I will be something great some day. Maybe I won't. But I know one thing; I will be something. I've learned that single most important thing in life is to keep the people you care about close to you. Without them, you're lost.

Raindrops.

2008-12-17T23:27:00.004-05:00

I am sitting in my darkened room, the only light coming from the glow of my monitor. There is a lovely storm developing outside. Normally I would be enjoying the weather very much, but today is different somehow. I am listening to the sound of the raindrops as they pitter-patter against the frozen ground. Normally, this sound would be soothing, possibly even enough to send me into slumber, but not tonight. Instead, the rain sounds like a frantic clock, ticking away endlessly in its countdown. It's almost eerie actually. What is the clock counting down to you might ask? I have no idea. I would like to think that it is counting down to my demise. But I am pretty sure that it is something more mundane, for example counting down to the point that it stops raining. But maybe that isn't so mundane afterall. Maybe it isn't even a clock at all, but a series of cries from the rain. Maybe each raindrop smashing against the window pane is aware of itself, and it wants to make itself known to the world, even if it is only for a second. The only reason you even know it ever existed was because of its last desperate cry as its life is smashed into pieces, and it slides down the glass to die. Given that perspective, humans aren't that different from raindrops. All six billion of us, just going about the not so interesting routine we refer to as lives (although whether or not any of us are actually living is debatable), barely distinguishable from each other, except upon close inspection. And all every person really wants deep down, is for someone, anyone to acknowledge them, and show at least a sliver of interest in them. And is that too much to ask? Is it really so much of an inconvenience to show interest in someone, ask them how their day was, tell them that you care about them? What if someone showed as much interest in you as you show in some of your peers? Think about that the next time you hear the sound of the rain.

You're the anchor that holds me.

2008-12-16T13:03:00.004-05:00

Time...it makes it 'alright.'
You can't live if you can't wait.

Make it fine.
Make it right.
Make it how it used to be.

Your eyes, they can't see what they take from me.
Or how it hurts.

Sometimes people don't notice things they've done.
Sometimes they don't apologize. Sometimes they do.
Sometimes we have to just let go of those things.

You can't let things like distance keep you from loving someone.

Sometimes we have to figure out what and who's more important.

Sometimes it's okay to be afraid to take a step forward.
But most of the time, it's necassary.

Sometimes you have to realize what's right infront of you.

I know I've done nothing but make this hard.
It's killing me, but I really am sorry.

Waiting...for how ever long it takes.
I'll be right here.

So many things...

2008-11-10T18:59:00.004-05:00

Everyone can have an opinion. Just like everyone has a freedom of speech and religion, according to the First Amendment anyways. But can you really have that and no be judged for what you think, no way. Not in today's society.

No matter what you think, or how you feel, or what you believe in, everyone is entitled to their opinions. Our differences are what make us unique, and I think you can always learn from people who see the world differently than you do. I did today.

Which brings me to another thing. Why is it okay for black people to call eachother 'niggers' like it's part of everyday conversation, but when a white person does it they flip out and threaten them? Now, I'm not racist at all. I'm the farthest thing from it. I just don't get that.

But, there's another side to that. If they don't want you to say it, don't. They shoulden't say anything about a white person either. Respect them..and they respect you (or should, anyways.)

Stereotypes, racists, everyone judging everyone on every little thing they do or believe in. I hate it. Mainly the Morman's in California are responsible for making sure PROP. 8 passed, they pushed so hard to take away a human beings right to marry, which upset me to no end. I may not have that many strong beliefs, but the one thing I support and always will support is Love. No matter what gender you are. Love is not physical, Love is not mental. Love is in your heart. You have the right to love who ever you want, and thats perfectly fine. Why society thinks that's enough for homosexuals, I don't know. It's not affecting you if two lesbians or two gay men who are in love are getting married. They didn't vote on your marriage, they didn't tell you that you coulden't marry the love of your life. If anything, they're the ones who would support you more than anything. Put yourself in their shoes. Someone telling you you can't get married 'because it's not right.' How would you feel knowing you coulden't get married and share such a beautiful thing like marriage and starting a family with the one you loved? Just think about it.

And everyone out there who is still bitter about McCain's loss, we get it. The election is over though, we have a new President who's preparing his attempt to clean up this mess the country is in. So instead of digging to find out little stories that aren't even important, are most likely false cause you can't get proof and trying to make him look bad, why don't you have faith in him. This country is going to get no where unless we all unite, cause right now, there is no United States of America. We're divided, everyone's separating themselves from others who have a different belief and opinion. He needs us all to unite as a country and become one again. We're all in this together.

Speaking of faith. I let mine drift away these last few years. Got involved with the wrong people, let people just plain out use me and I didn't even care to notice what I was doing. Let science get into my head, believed all those theories that are just that. Theories. There's no knowing if they're true or not, it's just someones opinion. But I let it get to me. Let it take me farther away from the place where I really do belong. I really want to believe. My mind is easy to manipulate, which is what science did. I feel sorta like I was brainwashed and forced to believe one thing just because it sounds right. The thing is, my heart has always had faith. I've always believed deep down inside. I need to let my heart get back in control. I'm just having trouble digging down deep enough to get there...

_____________________________________________

So...what's up with cheaters? I swear, everyday in english I overhear someone talking about somone cheating on someone, and they go into deatils. Seriously? If you wanna have the privilage to fuck a girl or a guy and not have to worry or feel guilty...or not with some people, then just be single. My god. Little do they know, or seem to care, that they're really hurting the person they're dating. I have no respect for them.

_____________________________________________

I'm getting older. More 'mature' I guess you could say. Well compared to most people my age anyways. Physically? No, that happened a while ago lol. I got an early start.
Mentally? Yes, so much. I'm figuring out what truely matters in life, and what doesn't. I've always been respectful, but I feel I am more than anything now. Same with being open-minded. I always have been, but now I'm open to every new idea and opinion that comes my way. Unlike the disrespectful people this wolrd has, I'm never one to trash talk someone over something they believe in, and I have never and will never try to change something someone believes in. It all comes down to this. I know myself better than anyone else. Though it may not seem like that at times, I really do. There's two other people who know me pretty much just as well, but still. I know what I believe in, I understand my feelings, I know who I am.

The problem. When did other people start to take me seriously, especially adults?
They don't. Atleast alot of people don't. Adults stick the typical 'teenager stereotype' with me and don't give me a chance to speak up and show who I am. It's like that for many teenagers actually. It's a stereotype that adults need to stop clinging too. They hated it when they were teenagers, don't do it to us. Don't forget, we're going through the same things you did, except time's have changed, there's more technology, more ways to make bad situations even worse, and the media which is out of control. It's a bit harder being in our shoes now a days.

It keeps on hitting me that we're all growing up so fast. Getting older every second. And if you stop, for just one second, to think about, it kind of makes you sad. But life's one long journey, and we all have to create our own pathway to go through it. Don't follow anyone's footsteps. Live life for yourself.

Little girl, you're lost.

2008-10-29T20:16:00.000-04:00

You try to show someone possibilities.
You show them doors that you pried open yourself.
But they don't choose to go through the doors you're pointing to.
They'd rather turn and face a cold wall.
What good will an open door do if you're not letting it lead you.
I see you're afraid.
I'll sit here with you but I'm unsure of how long I'll look on.
I imagined you to be braver one since you played it out that way.
I open the doors, but I'm not the leader.
Somehow, they're still open. But I'll depart when they close.
I'll find my own path while I help you find yours.

Reflections of a Skyline.

2008-10-09T16:58:00.000-04:00

This is amazing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V08Mt35MSis

I love very few people. In fact, I love one person, and that's it.

It's funny, how when it comes to the topic and you have a pen and paper right in front of you, words come so easy to write what you think you know about it. But life isn't on paper written in ink. The things you want to hold on to, the things you never wanna picture yourself without always end up leaving or letting go. But...the reason that happens is because you give up and let them run away.

Yes, doubt kills you, but when you find that one person you really love, it will never cross your mind to ever do anything to ruin it. Yes, people are gonna try to get in the way, but you won't pay the slightest attention to them because your heart is at home.

We all try so hard to fill our hearts and mind with love and memories that mean alot to us. Hope and faith is something to always have by your side. Once you found that person, the one who you truely love, you need to hold on to them. Have faith. Love always finds a way.

Life's one hell of a roller coaster. You're gunna have times where you feel like you're ontop of the world, where everything is going great and you have no worries. But what goes up always has to fall back down. This is reality, that's how life works. Nothing is perfect, it would be so boring if everything was. It's good to go through tough times, especially in a relationship, because if you can communicate and get through it, your relationship get's stronger everytime.

Also, you never know when the last time you will talk to your loved one will be, could be years till then, could be a lifetime...but in all reality, the last time could be any moment. The way I see things is to go by that. I make sure I say 'I Love You' (and actually mean it every time I say it) every time I stop talking to my boyfriend. Why? Cause what if something happened and that was the last time I ever talked to him? How bad would you feel if something bad happened and you didn't get that out, most people woulden't be able to live with themselves.

Have faith in the person you love. Trust them, listen to them, let them know you love them. Never let go of them, because you may never find love like that again.

Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality.

2008-09-24T19:00:00.003-04:00

I was thinking alot about how everyone else around me has a favorite author or poet or someone who's written some sort of literature considered "great," and how I don't have one, or thought I didn't anyways. I spent a good amount of time thinking of what I've read, and nothing was really impressing me, but then it hit me. I've always loved reading Edgar Allan Poe's work. It amazes me.

Of course that got me thinking to what hobby intrests me, and what I could possibly want to do with my life. Two things came to mind. Writing, and photography, and now that my grandfather gave me his 35mm film camera, I can start on that. Whatever you take a picture of will never be exactaly like it was that moment you took it, that's the beauty of a photograph, you stopped time, and I guess that's what I love about it.

I feel like I have a little more self-worth and did a little self discovery, which was definately needed.

Now onto a different topic. Watching exiled and actually paying attention to the news has made me notice how lucky we are, living in the United States. In some countries, people live in mud huts, shacks made out of branches, or even a hole in the ground, literally. They don't have cars, tv's, computers, cell phones, or any other electronic "necessities" we have. They go out and hunt for their food, only worrying about what they're going to eat that day. They sleep on dirt floors, and have to make up games for entertainment.

Us on the other hand, we have huge gass guzzling hummers and trucks, huge houses with electricity and running water, we have every electronic product you could imagine, we have comfy beds to sleep in, we have something to do everyday.

And we don't have to worry about starving to death, or being another number in a genocide. No, we living the life over here.

But yet we still complain. Come on people. It's time to take that big American ego of always wanting the latest and greatest and put it aside. Believe it or not, getting the newest, greatest whatever it is out there is making life harder for those people who aren't privilaged like us. Maybe it's time to stop buying new shit you think you need and possibly giving the money to someone who could really use it. It's time to think of someone other than yourself.

Step up, grow up, learn to loose with class.

2008-09-01T20:41:00.002-04:00

What makes you think you're a good person? Really think about that. Ahhh people piss me off.
They think that they are such sweet, down to earth people, but then they go and stab you in the back, make a fool out of you, cheat you out of your rights, tear you down in any way possible, but really, for what? Are you really that insecure that you have to bring everyone else down with you to make yourself look better?

Now we know we've all talked shit about someone, or giving a dirty look or anything stupid like that at one point or another, you're lying if you say you haven't. But there comes a time where people need to grow up and be mature, learn what's right from wrong for once.

People are constantly tearing eachother apart with a smile on their face, infront of their friends to make themselves look good. People say one thing to put one person down, then that person says something to stand their ground, and then they get shit on more, then it all repeats itself, it's a cycle.

Everyone needs to grow up. Stop bashing on eachother over pointless shit. Even if you think you have a good reason to fight back, just hold back, be the mature one and save yourself from getting shit, it'll never end unless one person does that.

Then that's when karma comes in the picture.
You know what they say...what goes around comes around.
Everyone get's hit eventually.

All this hate going on is making me so mad.

Also, I've learned being extremely polite to the person who's been giving you shit just pisses them off more than you fighting back, and it keeps you out of trouble. Try it.

And another thing ...

"Oh I dont like her,don't talk to her, kay?"
"Why?"
"Just dont, she's a fucking whore."
"Oh, okay."

So many people do that. Fucking think for yourself. You will never go anywhere in life listening to other people. And just because someone you know hates one person doesn't mean you have to hate them too. If they didn't do anything to you, you have no right to. Grow up and think for yourself.

Maturity isn't an award they give you for being a good child. You can waste years trying to get someone to give that respect to you, as though it were a sort of promotion or raise in pay for example. "If only you do enough, if only you are good enough..." No. Don't listen to what anyone says about you. You have to learn what's right and wrong, learn from your actions from the past. Give it to yourself. Don't be stupid.

We just like the idea if caring, very few actually do.

2008-08-20T22:47:00.000-04:00

We all let little things get us down sometimes. But I've noticed I let it happen too much. Say a song will come on, and I'll be sitting there listening to the lyrics, and sometimes they'll remind me of my ex bestfriend or something like that. I'll start thinking about everything she's done, and get really pissed off or sad, it ruins my day when that happens. I working on fixing that. It's the past, she did lame shit, doesn't deserve me as a friend now. That's just what I need to tell myself from now on.

That also ties in to things I've frequently thought about. I know I worry alot, way more than I should actually. But I've been thinking, and little things have been pointing stuff out to me. When someone worrys about you, that shoulden't get you mad or anything. You should be grateful that someones out there thinking about you. When someone worrys about another person it's just another way of showing they care about them. They're thinking about them when they could be doing anything. So to anyone who thinks it's silly or gets mad when someone gets worried, think about it first, they just care, and they're thinking about you, you shoulden't get mad about that, be happy someone out there cares for you!

Ahh now onto this. My parents have been fighting lately, about money as usual. This time though, it happened when my dad came inside to drop us off and talk to my mom about my brothers play. They started arguing cause my mom can't pay for it cause she's lost alot of hours for work so moneys extremely tight. My dad brought up the "I pay child support" bullshit, and I just sat there looking at my mom, my dad was hurting her, the way he was talking down to her, trying to make himself look like the good guy cause he was gunna pull through for my brother and pay. So I waited till it got silent, and told my dad off. Told him how much my mom does for me and my brother, and how she's never asked for a raise in the child support, and how what he pay's doesn't cover shit now a days, and how hard she has to work just to get food on the table. Let alone everything else she has to do with sports and driving us around everywhere. I told my dad he didn't do shit compared to everything she does. He just gave me this long look, and then said bye to Mike and left.

Then today, well I'm not even going to get that into it, but basically my mom tried to give up and drive the friggen car off the road into a rock wall. She can't handle shit anymore. It's just a good thing I was there. That's all I'll say.

All that has made me realize everything that my mom does for me though, how hard she has to work to give us everything we think we need. She deserves so much more respect and help than she's been getting around here, and I feel like I need to step up and change that.

And I can't tell you how sick of the government I am. Both the canidates for President are pathetic. Obama has a huge head and ears, and he thinks he can make the world a better place by himself. Mccain looks like a child molester, thinks keeping the troops in Iraq is gunna get the "job" done. FYI...no progress has been made since we got there. Keeping the troops there is just teaching murder, thinking it's okay to go fight and kill people cause you have differences. You can't bring democracy to a place that doesn't want it. Not every country wants to be just like America, so let them be and get the fuck out of there. And neither of them are gunna help us out financially, maybe Obama a little bit, but not a huge change. And I wish religion could stay out of politics, that just makes everything more fucked up. Aghh, fuck America.

The envoirnment is so dirty now. Fossil fuels don't help one bit. They're mainly what's destroying it, ozone, atmosphere, air we breathe, everything. And with the high prices of gas you would think people would want a change, but no, everyone just keeps driving gas guzzling trucks that harm the envoirnment and lets the gas companies rob them of they're money that's supposibly tight for everyone right now. We have choices. We could stop producing cars like we did in World War Two, and put all that money and resources into researching new energy sources, but everyone want's the newest and the greatest, so I guess that idea's down the drain. Lay off the metals, plastics and fuels, my fucking god. Recycle anything that can be recycled. We could all just walk or bike to places that aren't too far away, maybe solve the obesity problem too, Americans woulden't be so fucking huge if they got off their asses and walked for once. Stop tearing down forests to just to put in a new mall or fast food restaurant or some other pointless waste of space like that. Stop driving gas guzzling cars everywhere, walk or bike for once, it's good for you. Don't watch so much tv or be on the computer so much, and turn everything off when you're not using it. Every little bit helps.

Unless everyone wants the world to literally become a raging inferno (with the rate that we're at now, it won't take too long for the world to become something like that) it's time for change. I'm sick of being one of the few who actually care.

I've noticed I've changed so much this year. Became a better person, I think. Although there's some down sides to that, like how I worry too much, and often can't explain what I'm thinking, there's some good sides too. I'm out of most of my bad habbits, drug free, care about everything now, and I actually know how it feels to love and be loved back, thanks to someone. :]

Reality comes at just the flip of a coin.

2008-08-10T19:56:00.000-04:00

Coming home to an empty house isn't welcoming at all.

Wasting time trying to sleep when you're worried isn't ease to your mind in the least.

And getting back on the horse just to let yourself get trampled on isn't progression.

Cause when you're colorblind in a black and white world, using crayons doesn't make anyone happier.

And learning braile won't help you talk to a blind man.

And when you walk in circles you don't get more familiar with your surroundings, just less fortunate with directions.

I guess life isn't about living.
And death isn't about dying.

Maybe death makes life more worth it.
And life makes death more comfortable.

Flip a coin, cause either way you call it...
It is what it is.

!@#$%^&*

2008-07-30T21:44:00.000-04:00

"For those who shatter others from the inside out and cause heartache, will one day feel the pressure of being lonely and sad, and those who think dark will always be hiding within the shadows." -Eric Clapton

Ehh.
I feel like I'm always at a constant constant battle with myself.
I keep letting my emotions and anxiety take me over...
and with that my mind wanders to crazy places.
It's like this completely new person who brings out all my bad qualities comes and takes me over whenever I worry.
Seriously, what the hell is wrong with me?

And I keep thinking about all the people who have given up on me, when I should just let it go.
There gone, there's nothing I can do about that, and they sure as hell don't deserve my friendship when they fucking ditched me in the first place.
Idk, I just feel lonely, and when I do, I want them back for some reason.

I'm just tired of people giving up on me and ditching me.

God damn. I hate my anxiety. I'm tired of worrying so much, it's draining me out.

I don't know what this all is, but I know it sure as hell isn't the real me.

I needed this.

2008-07-21T21:20:00.000-04:00

Purely a letter to myself, I felt like I needed to do this, to show myself things, and I guess to let you know a little more about me? Sure ha. (This is me talking to myself, just to make that clear lol)

You're slowly evolving. Alot differnent from the kid you once knew. No longer are you going to be a person to push. You'll push back harder. You're going to be a bitch when needed. You know you find it amusing when anyone wants to have a problem with you. You take it as a joke and laugh. It's great. Those who dare to challenge you are only making a fool out of themselves. Someone starts shit, you know damn well that you're better than them, and ignore it to the point where you crack, and then take action, but do it wisely.

Your a deep person..likes to think/see beyond what things really are. Letting your mind wander is a hobby, although you hate it. Once someone does something that really hurts you, it's nearly impossible to see them the way you saw them before. You will forever see them for whatever they did. Fucking sucks for them. Depending on the person you meet, some you'll give your trust to, some will have to earn it and for others, they wont get your trust at all. For those who have it, it's their choice if they wanna keep it. You're a very generous, outgoing, open-minded, friendly girl.

Verrry sentimental as well. Sights, smells, places, songs, dates & so much more take you back to moments, times, your past. You close your eyes to take it all in. Your past is extremely important to you. It may not be the best, you sure as hell have had many hard times, and you will never will you let go of it. Always used to putting others before you. Dont you think you should cut that down a little? Make sure you make yourself happy first, too much of trying to make others happy instead of yourself will mess you up.

You're a fighter, never giving up, only letting go when you realize it's not worth it anymore. You awlays follow your heart no matter what. Keep your feet well planted on the ground and your head up in the clouds. You've got the GREATEST boy in the world. Love him to death, you know what you have with him is the most amaizing thing in the entire world, never let go of that. He's the one who brought back the happiness you once had before. Today is actually really imporant day, you finally realized you need to live your life one day at a time & to the fullest as much as you can. Today is called the "present" because its a gift. Live to it.

Thank god you finally know the meaning of self-respect. With that, you've opened a wide door for yourself. Doing what you love, what'll please you IS self-respect. You want everyone to be happy, including yourself. Got such a strong feeling that you'll help atleast one person, help them change their life to be what they've been longing to be but coulden't. Hopefully you're right..

Your life really does matter.
Dont find yourself.
CREATE yourself.
Show everyone what your made of.
Leave them all at loss for words.

Come on, don't give up!

2008-07-09T02:15:00.000-04:00

"Look around and you'll see that at times it feels like no one really cares. It gets me down but I'm still gonna try to do what's right, I know that there's a difference between sleight of hand, and giving everything you have. There's a line drawn in the sand, I'm working up the will to cross it."

"I know one day, all our scars will disappear, like the stars at dawn, and all of our pain, will fade away when morning comes, and on that day when we look backwards we will see, that everything is changed, and all of our trials, will be as milestones on the way. And as long as we live, every scar is a bridge to someone's broken heart."

- Thrice.

I find today more and more people just feel like giving up. I'm usually the one who's always here for everyone, even people I don't really know. They talk to me, and tell me about their problems and what they're going through in life. I'm like a friggen counciler lol. I don't mind it though. Helping people makes me feel good, like I actually do have a purpose! ha.

But seriosuly, everyone who feels like giving up, don't. You're stronger than that. I've been through alot of shit in my life too, and I can't tell you how many times I've felt like giving up completely...and yes, by that I mean taking my own life. But I gave it alot of thought before I was going to go through with it, and every time I realized it wasn't worth it, I was better than that, and I just needed to get away from the people who made me want to do that. It took me a while to realize what I was doing, and how stupid I was to even think about doing that. And no way am I saying I'm really strong and know how to deal with everything now, because that's not true. I still have a hard time with alot of things, but I don't think about taking my life over a stupid little issue that just brings me down for a little bit.

Basically, I'm just telling anyone who feels like giving up, don't and just wait it out. Do things that make you happy and cheer you up, and don't stay at your house alone, try to be around people as much as possible. And listen to music with positive lyrics, and a positive, happier, more laid back sound, that always works for me. Let your feelings out, tell someone you truely trust and who will listen to you about what you're going through. Try to stay positive, and remember, things eventually do get better, and with every problem in your life that you overcome, you get stronger everytime. :]

Just life and things I've realized recently...

2008-07-01T21:03:00.000-04:00

This blog is to give all of you a piece of my mind. This is mostly things I don't say or talk about because I don't think anyone's really interested. So I decided to make one of these fancy blogs for it. This blog will probably alot be changing with current thoughts and realizations. It's here for you to come & read, take advantage of it since I'm taking my sweet ass time just incase you guys feel like knowing.

-Taken from a horoscope: "Not everyone is as good a friend as you, and you need to understand that. The art of friendship is hard for some to master, so be patient with people who don't always know how to act. If someone flakes out on you, forgets an important date, or puts their needs ahead of yours, cut them some slack. You should still take the opportunity to set them straight and educate them about how to be a better relationship partner, but you also need to give them time to learn."
I never knew friendship was an art that you learned. I just always thought it was automatic. We're all still learning. Some need to learn more than others.

-"The era of cheap gas is over." Our economy is fucked (well, at least for now). Gas prices keep rising and with that, product prices rise. What about supply & demand? We're running out and our need of oil is high. We use it for almost everything.

And you know what else? There's not enough jobs as it is. The poor are growing, middle class is becoming a smaller percent, as the rich turn their heads. Gas affects us all. Businesses are losing. They can't afford to pay for delievery, so they raise prices. Since people don't have enough money, they shop even less. No ones buying, which means stores close. This also hurts the supply chain. Anyways, I know I'm not the only one with this in mind.

Gas is pretty much $4 here, and it shows no sign of stopping. Yep, as much as I hate to say it, no more joy rides. I'm tired of hearing there isnt enough money. Fuck recession. I miss the 90's.

We already have to pay off this generation's debt, and all the mistakes they've made (*cough*...president bush to be exact. haha), now we have this problem on our hands too. But our generation has a chance in finding out a solution. We can't miss out on this opportunity. Don't ignore it. I don't want my future kids to deal with it.

-"Find a person who loves you for exactlly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, whatever. The right persons still gonna think the sun shines out of your ass. That's the person worth sticking with."

I forget what movie that's from, but I found that quote to mean alot. I used to think I'd just go through life, moving from relationship to relationship, getting hurt everytime, and never finding that "right person" who really truely cares for me, but it turns out, I finally have. Man, I don't even know where to start with this. He's on my mind 24/7. I constantly think of how things would be if I never met him, and I woulden't be the same person I am today if it wasn't for him, and I owe him the biggest thanks for that. He saved me from everything bad and stupid in my past.

In the begining, I never would have thought I would get that close to him, and never in a million years would have thought I would fall in love with him. I've never been in love before, or even truely loved anyone as much as I love him. And sure, we hit tough spots every now and then, and disagree on some things, but that's normal, no one agrees on every little thing in life. He never gives up on me though, and he's the first person to actually stick with me through tough times.

I may not have known him for that long, but we've talked pretty much all day, everyday. He knows me better than anyone else now. He's also the only person other than family who I truely trust.

I constantly worry about him, and he knows it. I worry about some things that I know I shoulden't be worried about at all, but I can't help that, it's natural instinct. Now that I think of it though, I guess that's just another way of showing I really do care about him, and don't want anything to happen.

I truely love him though, weather he believe's me or not, I truely do, and I coulden't be any happier with him. :]

-Just something I've realized (I took this from what I've wrote in a journal while venting a while back, but it still has meaning now)...

It's weird how these last few weeks have made up for months worth of feeling so down and so negative about everything. That needs to stop. I need to clear my head. And start over. Even though it wouldnt matter to anyone but myself (which is really what counts). And I know im going against my own words but I now see that, that whole "people never change" thing is bullshit. People can actually change. I mean how can one person that goes from being a drugie to being completely sober, or someone going from being smart about their decisions and true to their friends, to ditching everyone they're close to and doing drugs to fit in, is not a person changing? Anyways, I just need to do this for me. I'm sick of letting go of amazing , big hearted people in my life.

I used to hate change, never understood it, but now I understand why it's important in life. I've realized I'm the reason to my tears rolling down my face. I'm the reason they have left me. I am at fault.

-All of this is just what I've realized witnessed and it's my perspective. Everyone has freedom of speech, right? So dont be offended and don't hold it against me if you don't agree of like anything of what I said. I listen and respect everyone elses opinons. I expect the same, don't cheat me out of my own freedom.

Some advice...

2008-06-30T20:53:00.000-04:00

Don't waste your time on jealousy, sometimes your ahead, sometimes your behind, the race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself. Do one thing everyday that scares you. Don't be reckless with other peoples hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours. Enjoy your body, use it every way you can, don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own, and you only get one chance with it. Don't read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly. Get to know your parents, you never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings, they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.